Andy Burnham hasn’t even been Prime Minister for 100 days and already they’re advising us to stockpile bottled water and toilet paper.
It’s all part of the UK Government’s Be Ready campaign, which wants us to prepare for a national disaster.
Among the recommendations from Whitehall are that we buy bottled water, canned goods and toilet paper.
Time was when that would get you on an MI5 list but, instead of mocking preppers for their paranoia and panic- buying, ministers seemingly want us to follow their example.
The idea behind it is that Britain faces a panoply of risks, from natural disasters to foreign attack, and it’s better to be ready in advance rather than scramble to respond after Armageddon strikes.
I’ll admit, given the stormy conditions in Scotland this weekend, I briefly considered whether my own emergency supplies – a box of LED Halloween jack-o’-lantern candles and three tins of Cock-a-leekie – would be sufficient.
Should I brave the flooded streets and flying wheelie bins for a spot of shelf-clearing? What do you even buy for the end of the world? My instinct would be to push out the boat on mineral water and food tins.
If I’m going to be incinerated by an Iranian nuke, I want to go out surrounded by crates of Vichy Catalan and cans of beluga caviar, not a flask of tap water and Aldi’s own-brand sardines.
Defence Secretary Wes Streeting is the face of the Government’s Be Ready campaign
No one objects to the Government promoting preparedness. The problem is the way ministers have gone about it.
By making Defence Secretary Wes Streeting the face of the campaign, it can only heighten public alarm.
We know from the pandemic that over-reaction can be just as dangerous as under-preparedness, and causing panic, particularly among elderly and vulnerable people, is ill-considered and counterproductive.
These groups have enough anxieties without the Government suggesting they get down the shops pronto before all the loo roll is snatched up.
Streeting proffered a cyber attack as one possible crisis, asking: ‘How would we cope if the payment systems at the local supermarket went down?’
By tutting passive-aggressively, I’d imagine, and loudly reassuring other shoppers that our card wasn’t being declined for lack of funds.
‘Those are the sorts of everyday challenges and threats that we could well face,’ Streeting added. ‘And it’s right that we ask the country to be ready for those things and to ask everyone to do their bit.’
This is another reason why it was a mistake to put Streeting front and centre. This is a government which refuses to say when it will meet the target for spending 3 per cent of GDP on defence, despite issuing dire warnings about the sundry threats Britain faces.
If the Government wants to do its bit, it can start by reversing its £2billion cut to the armoured vehicle procurement budget and its decision not to move ahead with the purchase of specialised recovery vehicles for rescuing Boxers that break down or come under fire.
While we’re at it, it’s fairly galling to be lectured on threat readiness when the Government is constantly caught off-guard by illegal boat crossings.
So much of what goes on in politics makes sense only when you realise that the political class considers the average voter dumber than a bollard. The notion that most members of the public are intelligent, capable people with enough common sense and life experience to manage in a crisis is simply beyond many MPs and civil servants.
The Be Ready campaign hits that sweet spot between awareness-raising and nannying where Labour ministers feel most at ease. Assign the public some reading homework in the form of leaflets, then scold them on the contents of their food pantry.
Some politicians and officials enjoyed Covid and the power it brought them. They desperately want another national emergency that puts them in control again.
Were a cyber attack or wildfires or hurricanes to befall Britain tomorrow, we would muddle through. Most families have the basics they need to survive several days stuck indoors and would gladly share food, water and candles with elderly neighbours. We don’t need to be told to do this by government. This is basic human decency.
What is most likely to frighten people out of their senses and get them acting rashly is a government campaign like Be Ready. When those in authority, whom we expect to be calm and level-headed, begin speaking like the apocalypse is upon us, otherwise rational people are bound to over-react.
I wouldn’t advise it, as it happens. We’ve all seen those disaster movies.
The doomsayer who has spent months hoarding food and battening every last hatch always makes some fatal oversight and gets carried off in the tornado or tsunami, or munched on by the zombies, while the leading man, too busy arguing with his ex-wife to notice the signs of impending disaster, saves the day with quick wits and a spot of heroism.
In real life, your best chance of surviving is by keeping the head and letting the emergency services do their jobs. Plus, not living your life in constant expectation of catastrophe.
There are real threats out there and sensible preparations should be made, but beyond that the average person should go about their life as normal.
It’s when people panic that things go wrong, but who wouldn’t panic when the Defence Secretary is talking about supermarkets being crippled and families drawing up escape plans?
Among the recommendations from Whitehall are that we buy bottled water, canned goods and toilet paper
Naturally, the Scottish Government has its own version of Be Ready, because of course it does, though its branding is different from the English programme, because of course it is.
When you’re being winched from your roof amid flash-flooding, I suppose you want the reassurance of knowing the helicopter pilot is trained to rescue you in both English and Scots.
Ready Scotland offers almost identical advice to Be Ready, though some of its tips are more ambitious, such as the recommendation that you keep your GP’s phone number written down.
I struggle to get an appointment at the best of times; I doubt a Russian invasion will improve my odds. Truth be told, I’d rather face the Red Army than be interrogated by a doctor’s receptionist.
The advice also urges us to invest in wind-up radios and keep a note of the frequencies of our favourite stations. Good luck with that. Gen-X will have to explain to millennials how a wind-up radio works, and millennials will have to explain to Gen-Z what a radio is.
And I won’t need to know the frequency to find Radio Four. I’ll just keep turning the dial till I hear a news bulletin on how the cyber attacks are affecting non-binary people.
The public doesn’t ask all that much of government. All we want is our tax money spent wisely and our public services sufficiently well-managed that they serve our needs.
Instead we get alarmist campaigns that will do more harm than good and public funds poured into producing websites and pamphlets chock-full of patronising prose. If ministers insist on talking down to the country on disaster preparedness, they should Be Ready for the country to stop listening.